Author: Shelli

I love this dip and it’s probably the healthiest snack I’ll ever make (that I will actually eat). But as a single person, I have to be careful to either make just the amount I’m going to eat for a meal…  or else plan on eating it for the next four to twelve meals.

I really think there should be something like a dating app, but it matches you to nearby people who want to eat the same thing as you, just not necessarily someone you want to look at while you’re eating it. I mean it’s  not going to be a dating app. It’s going to be an app for sharing food with a synthetic family.

Right, so anyway… Pretty easy to make… You are going to have ingredients lined up according to how much you like each one. I go light on the onion but there’s a Chia T-Rex worth of cilantro in my mix.

INGREDIENTS:

Tomatoes – 3 to 4 small ones or 1 fat country tomato like the Arkansas produce I used today. It was the size of a softball.

Onion (white or yellow) – I used about 1/3 of it.

Avocado – I used just 1 this time but you can use 2 and cross over into guacamole territory if you are feeling it.

Cilantro – At my Kroger, they come in cute little dew-covered bundles that are convenient and I say why in #7 below.

Garlic Salt – I thought about using the minced garlic out of the jar in the fridge but it’s not minced enough. You don’t want to bite into a raw garlic chunk. Whooo!

Ok, super easy, just chop all that bidness into chunks a size that makes Chiclets feel like they could beat them up. Then shake garlic salt on it and stir it up.

WHOA, HO,  wait a minute, new chefs… I’m giving some extra help here because I don’t trust you as far as I can throw 12-year-old me’s cooking skills. And also some of you are good at cooking things but might learn something here OR you might have a tip for me. I’m obviously not done learning.

Here is the low-down basic what-to-do for the kitchen clueless:

1. Wash your dang hands. With soap! Gross.

2. Wash the ingredients. NOT with soap! Just warm water, then cold water. Except the onion – see #6.

3. Get a clean cutting surface (plate / thick plastic sheet / cutting board) so you don’t lose your apartment deposit over this one meal.

4. Get a sharp knife. It’s the dull ones that slip and hurt you the most because they don’t make it through the food.

5. Cut the stem and stump out of the tomato and dice that sucka up. (Dice means to cut in squares, which is kinda weird because when you cube stuff, it’s in the shape of dice. Let’s move on.) watch your dang fingers!  I do not have time today to take you to the emergency room. Throw the chunks in a big bowl. No, bigger.

6. Peel your onion and get past that dry, flaky part. Rinse it some if  that helps. Chop both ends off (the hair and the butt). Now wash it in warm water then cold and cut off and dice up your desired amount. Throw it in the bowl.

7. The cilantro coming in that beat little bundle comes in handy because you’re going be able to chop all the stem off at once. What a time to be alive! Now that it has no legs, chop up its face. I like to hold down the cilantro leaves by making an arch with my left hand (I’m righty). Then I insert the knife under the arch with my right hand and pull to the right over and over while holding the afro of greenery under that arch. “Arch arch arch!” That’s how Popeye the Sailor laughs. Throw your green stuff in the bowl.

8. The avocado is a diva that lets you get by with so much until you come to her hard heart and you have to stab it to kill her. Yes, really. Your avocado can’t be mushy. When you press your fingers on the outside of it, it should be firm but not hard. Ok let’s get in there. Don’t waste your time trying to peel an avocado. Word will get around the neighborhood and you will feel like a big dork. You just cut it in half (almost), lengthwise. Sit it on its butt and start slicing it in half like you’re going to cut it from top to bottom. But you won’t be able to get through the big ol’ pit in the middle of it, so cut a line all the way down one side and up the other. Then twist her open. There’s that hard heart. Now for real,  stab it with your knife and twist to pop it out. Ok? Now you can scoop out the avocado meat (fruit, veg, whatever it is) and slice it up into chunks. Throw your chunks in the bowl.

9. Put some garlic salt on it and mix it up. You might be surprised by how much salt you’ll put on it without it tasting salty, but take it easy and put a teaspoon at first, adding more until you either love it or throw up. Sometimes I also add pepper, chili powder and even a little cumin. If you want to try this, separate out a small amount to test how you like it. You don’t want to feel like punching yourself later because you messed up a whole batch.

If, like me, you can’t eat it all, try squeezing/splashing lemon or lime juice on the surface of it so the avocado won’t turn a funky color in the fridge.

If you made it this far, grab some tortilla chips and engulf your reward. Mmmm… I ate mine while writing this.